be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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