Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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