a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
