she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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