He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
