Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
