Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
