Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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