My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
