I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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