he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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