Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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