Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
