so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
