You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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