You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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