I wish I could teleport
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
