it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
