we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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