I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
the raccoons are back...
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