you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
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you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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