My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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