I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
