No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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