i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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