Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
