You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
