My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
