I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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