The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
