I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
