I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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