my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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