i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
