theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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