I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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