Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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