I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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