So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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