Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Everyone says I win the strip club
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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