Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
