I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
