It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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