A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
