all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
