i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
