Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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