girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
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Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that