So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé