I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I touched a dick in church today