You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees