So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
