I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
