Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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