just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.