dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
