Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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