Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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