I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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