This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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