you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
