There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
